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The Dark Lady Podcast
The Dark Lady Podcast

Episode 12 · 3 weeks ago

A Final Girl's Guide to Survival

ABOUT THIS EPISODE

Do you have what it takes to be a final girl? Here are 8 simple steps on how to survive the night.

When the witching hour draws near, she will whisper in your ear. Nightmares do come true. This is a horror fiction podcast featuring stories that will shock, disturb and dismay. You're listening to the dark lady podcast. Why? Hello there, it's me, the dark lady, and this is a far final girl's guide to survival. So, first things first. What is a final girl? You know that one girl in a scary movie, from a monster's perspective, is super annoying to kill. Think Nancy from a nightmare on ELM street, or Laurie from Halloween, or sally from the Texas chainsaw massacre. Yes, she's the one that got away. She's the one you want to get away. She's the one you're rooting for because she's not that kind of girl that's just going to lay down and die. She's intelligent, she's brave, she's a survivor. She wants to save her friends, she wants to save her family, she wants to protect the innocent. The final girl is the hero of the story. Now, when I say she's the hero of the story, I don't mean that she's a superhero. Yeah, she's going to try to save her friends, but uh, everyone she knows and loves will die and there's nothing she can do about it. So if she's still breathing by the end of the movie, then she'll definitely need some therapy afterwards. The final girl embodies that innate part of human nature that wants to survive, no matter how hopeless the situation is. She is destined to go through hell and back again. She has been physically and mentally tortured, she's wounded, she's down in the mud, she's running for dear life. She's forced to stab and slash her way out of a nightmarish situation and, most importantly, she will be the last one standing to in front the monster. It doesn't matter if the bad guy is a vampire or a ghost or an alien, whatever shape or form the antagonist. Maybe it's up to the final girl to stop it, and when or lose, she's going to fight the villain until the bitter end. So do you have what it takes to be a final girl? Here are some easy steps that you can take to survive the night. Rule number one always be prepared. It's a scary world out there, ladies and we need to do whatever we can to defend ourselves. If you have a big purse, don't be afraid to use it. Here's mine. It's a little heavy. Let me just in Zip it and shake everything out. Oh, watch your fingers. Pepper spray and a Taser.

For the average women, these are the go to tools for self defense. TASERS are perfect, rewarding off the average stalker or axe man, as long as they are a mortal man or a mortal woman, or mortal children. If they are human, these should work really well. But what if this person is currently possessed by a demon? Or what if they are infected with the Zombie virus? What if they were recently bitten by a vampire? Then Your Mace and Taser may not be as effective. Chances are thirty five billion bolts are just going to bounce off their chest and the next thing you know, your pin to the ceiling. And Trust me, it's not fun. Well, sometimes it is. This is why I always carry this a wooden steak, clothes of garlic, a bottle of holy water, a baseball bat made out of pure silver, a crossbow, a shotgun loaded with rock salt, a book of Exorcism prayers, an evil eye pendant and a rabbit's foot just for good luck. Rule number two, get better friends. How many of you out there have that one friend that tries to get everyone killed? I know, I know. Maybe they didn't mean it. Maybe they thought it was a good idea to rent a cabin in the middle of nowhere, where the closest town is about five miles away. Who Cares if it's allegedly haunted? Dude, they got a fift discount. That means you have more money for beer and snacks. They didn't know that the book was made out of human flesh. Latin is definitely not there for language, so how could they possibly know that they were opening a portal to hell? Final girls are usually the voice of reason in their group. It helps to know when a bad idea is a bad idea. Let me just run through a few other scenarios with you. Scenario number one. So you and five other friends are in a van. You're on a road trip in the Australian back country. You look out of the window and you see a guy walking on the side of the road, dirty clothes, long greasy hair, and you're pretty sure there's a machete poking out of his knapsack. You can see the crazy in his eyes. The Guy Waves at your van and sticks out his thumb. Your friend Tina feels bad for the hitchhiker and wants to give him a ride. Multiple Choice. Do you a stop the car, roll down your window and have a conversation with the hitchhiker? B Give the man a ride or see, ignore the hitchhiker and keep on driving. I'll give you some time to think about it. The answer is hell, no, Tina. What is the matter with you? Don't you dare stop this car? Oh crap, he's running after us. He has a facking machete. I told you, Tina, lock the doors. Go, go, go go. Scenario...

...number two. You're a seventeen year old girl named Rosie, it's Saturday night and your home alone. Then the phone rings. You answer it. It's your friend Ashley, and this is what she says. Hey girl, are you doing anything tomorrow night? Um, nothing, really. Why? You want to come over to my house for a sleepover? We can watch stranger things on Netflix or whatever. Okay, sure, that sounds like fun. And you know what else we can do? Huh? What did you hear about that big house fire at the old Salazar Place. Oh my God, yeah, I heard that on the news. They said everyone in the house died. It's terrible, I know, right. So I rode my bike over there after school and I did a little investigating. You did what now? So I found this Bigi Board in the trash can. It's a little burned on the edges, but you can still read the letters. Okay, maybe we do a little sance together when you come over. Multiple Choice. Should Rosie a succumb to teenage peer pressure? Say Yes and subsequently suffer a grizzly and untimely death, or B say this? Um No, thank you, Ashley. I will not be doing that. I want to watch scary movies, not star in them. I'm going to stay home and make myself a Tofu Burger. You growth, who eats Tofu Burgers? Not as gross as burning to death. I hope you like the smell of your own Bacon. Nashley, see you at your own funeral. The answer is obviously be at a girl. Rosie at a girl. Scenario number three. Your name is Phoebe, you're twenty two, you're in college, you're beautiful and you're young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You have a boyfriend named Annie. He's a high school dropout. He's in between jobs. He's kind of cute, I guess, but not that cute. People ask you why you go out with him, but it's easier for you to explain why you decided to be a poly pig major. You know what I'm saying. Um. Anyway, one night he drives his pickup truck outside your dorm and asks you out on a date. Danny wants to take you to lover's lane, a secluded little area in the woods just outside of town. He wants to talk to you. Yeah, talk, but you remember that a year ago today, a couple of teenagers were found butcher to death in their own car on lover's lane. They never caught the murderer. You explained this to Danny, but he still insists that you both go. Should phoebe say hey, no, B no, or see no? The correct answer is d I think we should see other people. Rule number three were better shoes if you can't find better friends. and Are you absolutely sure you can't find better friends? Okay, fine. You ever watch a scary movie where that one girl is being chased by the monster and they literally trip over. Nothing like every few steps, they face plant on the ground. H M, and...

I'm sitting here thinking, really, did you dip your toes in cooking oil? The ground is clear and flat. There's no potholes or obstacles or anything like that. Why are you falling? Are Your shoes made out of banana peels? Believe it or not, wearing the right shoes is essential to your survival. And what is the right type of shoe for a final girl? Sandals? No, crocks. No. Still, lettos cute, but no. You need comfortable athletic shoes with a lot of grip, sneakers, running shoes, tennis shoes, hiking boots, that sort of thing. or You could wrap your feet with sandpaper. I don't know, girl, do something. Rule number four, run fast. Once you've found the right pair of shoes, it's time to break them in. It sucks, but if you're going to make it as a final girl, you need to be a good runner. Now I'm going to teach you a simple aerobic exercise that I do every morning to build my stamina and agility. Move your furniture around so that you have plenty of room. Go ahead and put on a helmet, and some kneepads so you don't accidentally knock yourself out. Okay, we'll do it together. Here we go. First we'll start with some basic stretches. Turn your head to the right and look over your shoulder. Stretch, stretch, stretch your neck like you're a barn owl. Now turn your head to the left and look over your shoulder. You're starting to feel that there's something wrong. Something tells you you need to watch your back. Now Start Walking in play. Just keep walking, just keep walking, don't stop walking. M H, what was that? Is there someone behind you? You're starting to get nervous. You're walking a little faster. Now, pick up the pace, keep walking in place. You tell yourself it was nothing, you're just imagining things. You look over your shoulder and then, and then, and then, oh my God, there's a man with an axe. Jog in place, jog in place. You're running now. Keep running now. Don't let that axe man get you down. Ladies, let that fight or flight instinct kick in. Let all that fear and adrenaline flow through you. Run in place, run in place. Oh No, he's right on our back. We need to do some evasive maneuvers. We're going to run in a ZIG ZAG pattern. So what we're gonna do is Zig Zag, Zig Zag, dodge, duck and cover. Zig Zag, Zig Zag Dodge and duck for cover. Zig Zag, Zig Zag, dodge and duck for cover. He's not letting up, he's not letting up. Okay, so we're going to have to be a little bit more desperate in our movements, ladies. Okay, Zig Zag fast for Zig Zag, Zig Zag, Zig Zag. Dodge than dodge, than dodge, than dodge, and slide, slide, slide, and slide and scream. Rule number five. Be a scream,...

...queen. Your heart is pumping and your bodies jump in. The end is nigh, but nobody is dragging you to hell without you putting up a fight. So what if no one can hear you? So what if you have bad reception on your cell phone? So what if you've been buried alive or lost at sea or abducted by aliens? So what? Express yourself, Queen. I know it can get emotional. Nobody wants to see their best friend or love interest or coworkers slash distant relative or whatever gets slaughtered before their eyes, running around in the forest half naked and covered in blood is definitely not for every one. The pain and fear and desperation is building inside the pit of your stomach and it needs to be released. Take a deep breath and channel all that negative energy into one powerful, passionate and drawn out scream. Let Your Voice Echo through the trees and across the universe. Tell them hello, I'm dying here. Can I get a little help please? All right, ladies, let's hear it. Yeah, you can do better than that. Why? M Hmm. Try again. Oh girl, that gave me chills. Bravo, Bravo, mm HMM. Rule number six, improvisation. If you're going to make it as a final girl, you've got to think fast on your feet. You might not have much, but you have to work with what you've got. Like, for example, you're in a closet. There's a man with a knife outside the door and he's just itching to get inside. Ah, you don't have a lot of options and you don't have a lot of time. What are you going to do to lock that door? A look around the closet, check your pockets. What do we have here? A scrunch and a pair of shoelaces. Oh No, you don't. Hey, Y oh, now use your scrunch and shoelaces to tie the door closed. This will buy you a little bit of time, but the door is super flimsy, so it's only a matter of time before he bursts through the door like so, here he comes. M H don't panic, don't panic. Just kidding. You should totally be panicking right now. Remember, you're screaming exercises, help, somebody, help me. Oh my God, please God, don't kill me. No, no, etcetera, etcetera. Look around desperately for something to defend yourself with. Oh, what's this? A stuffed toy? M Hmm, let's just throw it at him. M Hmm, that did absolutely nothing. Let's try again. Here's a...

...can of air freshener. Let's see how he likes this. Well, that didn't do anything, but now he smells like pumpkin spice. That makes the situation slightly better, because this guy reeks. I mean, don't they have showers in insane asylums? Sorry, getting off topic. Um M M oh, I know. How about a coat hanger in the eye? And those are some simple rules that you can use to survive as a final girl. Now let's take what we've learned and apply it to the real worlds. Oh No, my car won't start. Better use my cell phone to call Triple A. Oh no, I'm not getting any reception in the forest. What should I do? I'm just a poor, defenseless woman all alone and it is almost night time. It is getting very cold and dark. Did I just see something weird lurking in the trees? I better get out of my car now. Oh what is this? A farmhouse? Looks kind of shady. I should knock on the door and ask for help. Hello, is anyone there? My car ran out of gas or whatever. Can I use your phone? Hello, fresh meat here? Ah, just give me a minute. AH, great, the doors locked. Okay, maybe if I'd throw some rocks at the window, that'll get his attention. Mm Hmmm, mm hmmm. Ah, the chainsaw killer. No Way, I can't believe it. You're real. I didn't know you were real. I thought you were an urban legend. What are you going to do now, Mr chainsaw murder me? Maybe I'm slowly running away now. UH, okay, here he comes. Mm Hmmm, mm HMM. Oh, you got a friend. Oh, there's there's more of you. M H WHOA, there's a lot of you. How do you all fit in that small house? What is this a fraternity for lumberjacks and hillbillies? Stand your ground, ladies, you can do ten guys, uh, I mean, you know what I...

...mean. It's not like they all have chainsaws. Oh my God, they do. They do all have chainsaws. Well, run, run, just keep running. Watch out for jump scares. Those things just seem to come out of nowhere. Ahah. Rule number one, always be prepared. Tasert five billion bolts, very effective on mortal men. Don't pass out. We gotta keep running, mm HMM, quick. They're gaining on us. At this point, you're panicking and you probably have a concussion, so it's hard for you to focus. But don't ignore the signs, metaphorical signs foreshadowing your impending doom, or literally, that sign over there that says danger, hazardous cliff. The ground could break off without warning and you could be seriously injured or killed. Huh, maybe I should stop running before I rule number eight, get health insurance. If you want to be the kind of final girl that lives at the end, you're probably going to need an ambulance, a doctor, life saving surgery, physical therapy, a psychiatrist pain killers. If you think this is bad, wait till you get those medical bills. I guarantee that's going to hurt worse than a knife in your back. Well, look at that, the sun is rising. Against all odds and through sheer will and determination, I, a final girl, managed to survive. No force of evil can break my indomitable human spirit. Now I'll live to tell the tale of the chainsaw. People, give me a break, all right, I felt like fifty ft into a river. Oh Oh, I can...

...taste my spleen. I need to go to the emergency room. DARK LADY OUT H.

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